Again you are right, what usually happens when that happens to us is that usually the person we trusted and disappointed us has managed to undermine our self-esteem in such a way that sometimes it is very difficult to overcome all the evil that he/she has caused .... With effort and great determination you manage to get up again and rebuild bit by bit all your self-esteem, until you become someone stronger, with more value, but ... sadly you will also become someone with a great resentment in your inside, and you will never trust anyone like you used to ... that's what happened to me, I just hope to find the person who can destroy the ice that is inside me right now and make me feel again as one day someone did.
I cannot say I know how you feel, because I have not walked in your shoes. Trauma is powerful and can impact nearly every aspect of your life. Healing takes time and we all cope with it differently. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes you have to just forgive. That anger and resentment is fucking toxic for your soul to continue carrying around. It impedes on everything you do. You do not have to forget what happened - by any means - but forgive. That forgiveness will be for you. But again, I do not know what it was like; I just want you to be free from this.
My therapist used to tell me to remove "never" and "always" from my thinking. She also used to tell me to challenge my negative thoughts and beliefs. I.e. some of our thinking is just rationalizing the irrational - however real it may seem.
The truth is that the most difficult thing isn´t to forgive, it is to forget all the pain that they have caused you, in fact, I have forgiven, what I feel that I will not be able to do is forget, that pain remained like a big scar inside me, and I know that even if another person appears that makes me feel immensely happy again, a part of me will always feel the fear that it will happen again, and that is the saddest thing ... I would not like to hurt anyone because of my fears.
What a great truth, we are always afraid of something in our lives, especially when we want to achieve our dreams, and that always practically leads to distancing from your loved ones, having to go to another bigger city, with more possibilities for you. That is one of the fears that kills the most dreams, being unable to distance yourself from your family, especially when you know that in a way they depend on you, even if you know that you will see them again, but only after long periods of time. .. I think this is the main reason why many people nowadays no longer have children, so that there is nothing that separates them from everything they really want to achieve ... I know that it is an approach in which many they haven't thought or maybe they have, but that is one of the biggest fears.
The truth is that we are full of fears and phobias that we must learn to deal with over the years and to be honest, life is gradually putting us all in our place, and it makes us see that even if we fail, in a way we always succeed, because everything that happens to us helps us to learn, mature and grow .
That is really true. I do not want children that much for some of the same reasons. That, and I do not want to pass on anything bad to them or fuck them up with my crazy ass shit. Does that make sense??
In regards to our dreams and goals, failure is what we fear, by every form imaginable. Mostly, my fear of failing is related to being abandoned.
Side note: night-terrors are actually the most freighting thing I've ever encountered. Waking up paralyzed in your bed in some foreign place, and then this "thing" moves towards you until it is on top of you. Fucking hell!!
I like your sincerity, I like it because you always really say what you are thinking ... the fear of failure is present in all of us, but we have to try to forget that fear for a few minutes a day, because although seems a contradiction, fear also helps us to be stronger and achieve our goals, don't you think?
I have never suffered from night terrors, and I cannot even imagine how bad that is, knowing myself I would do everything possible not to fall asleep and thus avoid those fears ... I am sorry to hear that this happens to you sweetie, I just hope and wish it doesn't happens to you often .
You know??? ... Today I want to tell you something funny that happened to me this week, actually, to be honest, when I realized what happened I felt a complete asshole, but ... when I went down the stairs I could not stop laugh out loud at how stupid had been the situation is (lol )
Last Friday, after leaving work, I was totally exhausted, and when I went up in the elevator to my house I did not realize that I was dialing the wrong floor ... when I left, I tried to open the door with the key, more I couldn´t, I thought that Guille was on the other side and had the key in, I tapped on the door, but ... nobody opened me, I tried the keys again, but ... NOTHING, so ... I came back to knock on the door and I said out loud "Guille, It's me, Mom", I try again with the key again and suddenly I looked down, I saw the doormat and: "OH LA LA !!!!. .. FUCK !!!, I WAS ON THE WRONG FLOOR "... I was trying to open my neighbor's door, thank goodness there shouldn't be anyone at home, I felt such an asshole that I decided to leave very fast without being able to stop laugh for a long time ... has something similar ever happened to you?
Haha, I bet it was a sobering moment for you when you finally realized why nothing seemed right. I would have been so embarrassed. Thank good no one was home! Can you imagine if someone was? The look you two would have shared??
Not personally, but I have a story of another guy here at the sober house who recently mixed some of his medication, became confused, and then mistakenly laid down in his roommate's bed "naked". Of course, later at night his roommate discovered him. So many questions! Mostly just ... Awe man, what they hell?!
In fact, I recognize that they are those mistakes that make you feel uncomfortable at the moment, then make you laugh, and with the passage of time they become part of those funny anecdotes that you treasure throughout your life and that when you always remember them they will make you laugh .